no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
