ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My liver just broke up with me...
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
