Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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