There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i think i have herpe
just one?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
