i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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