another moral hangover. fuck.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
