So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
