I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
