I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
