Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
