I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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