It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
