i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
