i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
