I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
