They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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