As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
