WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
she told me i tasted like america
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
