and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
