Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
