and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
So. Much. Porn.
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