Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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