Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize