we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
