if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
