i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
