Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
