i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
