and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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