some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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