Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
