I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
