but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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