hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
