So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Well I just put wine in my tea
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
