Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
