:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
