hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
