If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
