he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize