wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Randomize
