I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
