Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
