hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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