I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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