well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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