You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
