So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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