Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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