my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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