After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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