Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
