I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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