my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
