On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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