Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize