THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
