that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
