someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
