Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize