HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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