She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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