Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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